A Letter From A Volunteer

I just wanted to thank you all for making Birthright a good home for me to find a way to help. It was so good for me to be able to help others not make the same mistake I did 5 1/2 years ago. I'm only telling you this so you can use my example when you counsel these scared young girls and now that I'm leaving, the shame won't be so unbearable. I don't blame anyone else for what I did but I wish I had had someone supportive to give me a hug and say "you don't have to give up your baby for anyone, you don't deserve it and your baby doesn't deserve it." All I had was a boyfriend who pretty much told me there would be too many problems for us to make it if I had the baby and a family planing center, who offered no information to me except the name, location, phone number and cost of where to get an abortion. I won't try to tell you why I did it. I don't think anyone really knows why they find themselves doing something like that. I'll tell you this - I cried for days and days after my boyfriend told me he wanted me to have an abortion. That's when these girls need us. Anyway, it was awful and all I remember is the doctor saying "we've almost got you all cleaned out." Like being pregnant was dirty and diseased and then when they carried away a little hospital pan covered with a paper towel, I couldn't get my mouth to ask to see despite how bad I wanted to know what I had done. Afterwards was months and months of sobbing, fighting and clinging to my boyfriend, vomiting (at my own will), practically failing my first semester of college, not dressing for school, not combing my hair, and later a relentless search through libraries for pictures and information about what I had lost. Then more sobbing and deep depression when I found out.

Then I became pregnant again and got married and my life was bearable for the most part, until shortly after I had Dawn, when I found myself looking at her in my arms and trying to picture the baby I lost. I knew he must have looked just like her (it was the same Dad). Anyway, at one of these moments my eyes looked up at the news to see the face of the doctor who performed the abortion on trial for negligence after he let a 17 year old girl die from a reaction to his anesthetic. Her parents were suing and hadn't even known she was pregnant. I wanted to be angry but I just squeezed my baby and felt lucky to be alive even thought I wanted to vomit.

Anyway, the three years since that day have been healing ones but I don't think anyone can completely heal from the loss of a child, not to mention a loss that you caused. Anyway, now all the sacrifices I made didn't keep the Father I loved so much around and now I'm off to Columbia to finish school and start a new life for myself. I still hope that one day life will be grand for me instead of just a little better.

Take care. You all are doing something very important. Just remember that you save two lives, not just one.

Laura

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