Parodies on 'Twas the Night Before Christmas'
Part 3
I have collected these funny, techno or heart-rending spoofs of the traditional 'Twas the Night Before Christmas'
by Clement C. Moore. I am not aware of who the various authors are, except where noted. If you know, please email
me so I can give credit where credit is due. If you know of other [clean] versions not listed here, I'd appreciate
adding them to this collection. Now, read on!
Navy Night Before
Marine / Soldier Night Before
AOL Night Before
Star Trek Night Before
Y2K Night Before
Mommy's Present Night Before
Santa's Crafting Clause Night Before
Part One
Part Two
Navy Night Before
'Twas the night before Christmas, he lived in a crowd.
I look all about, a strange sight I did see,
He had medals and badges and awards of all kind,
The Sailor lay sleeping, silent and alone,
Was this the hero whom I saw on TV?
Soon 'round the world, the children would play,
I couldn't help but wonder how many lay alone,
The Sailor awakened and I heard a soft voice,
The Sailor rolled over and drifted to sleep,
Marine/Soldier Night Before
I looked all about, a strange sight I did see,
With medals and badges and awards of all kinds,
The Soldier lay sleeping, silent, alone,
Was this the hero whom of whom I'd just read?
Soon 'round the world, the children would play,
I couldn't help wonder how many lie alone,
The Soldier awakened and I heard a rough voice,
The Soldier rolled over and drifted to sleep,
I didn't want to leave on that cold, dark night,
One look at my watch, and I knew he was right,
AOL Night Before
The cupboard was empty, the fridge, it was bare.
I spied my computer, I just go boot-up that.
But-----no voice bid me "Welcome", or said: "You've got mail."
I couldn't get into 'Out Of Order' or 'Slingo.'
IM's weren't working. My mail wouldn't send.
In wonder---I read: "Hey---it's 3:53.
"You know I can't stop there while you're still awake.
The folks on my buddy list. Those friends far and near.
I walked down the stairs and there 'round my tree,
So listen up people this secret I'll tell:
Star Trek Night Before
Just for something to do while the other crew slept,
But no one was stirring, and he sought to find why,
"But is to wish Merry Christmas not human to do?"
"What is the meaning of this noise, Data?"
A strange ship attacked us, inflicting the worst,
Said Picard, "Mister Data, an assignment for you:
So Data departed, while the rest of the crew
Roared Picard, "Mister Data, what the devil is this!!"
Soon the Big E was rocking with holiday cheer
But a strange ship was coming, the captain was told,
And then as the ship came into view,
"Tell those Klingons next time to not go so berserk.
"I'm sensing emotion," said Counselor Troi,
Y2K Night Before
While some folks could think they were snug in their beds
When over the server, here arose such a clatter
When what with my wondering eyes should I see?
His image downloaded in no time at all,
All processors big, all processors small,
He was covered with fur, and slung on his back
He was chubby and plump, perpetually grinning,
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
He zoomed from my system, to the next folks on line,
By Major Bruce Lovely
(Printed in the Fort Leavenworth Lamp, 1995)
In a 40 man berthing, with shipmates so loud.
I had come down the exhaust stack with presents to give,
And to see just who in this rack did live.
No tinsel, no presents, not even a tree.
No stockings were hung, just boots close at hand
On the bulkhead hung pictures of far distant lands.
And a sober thought came into my mind.
For this place was different, it was so dark and dreary,
I had found the house of a Sailor, once I could see clearly.
Curled up in his rack, dreaming of home.
The face was so gentle, the room in such disorder,
Not how I pictured a United States Sailor.
Defending his country so we could be free?
I realized the families that I saw this night,
Owed their lives to these Sailors who were willing to fight.
And grownups would celebrate bright Christmas Day.
They all enjoyed freedom each month of the year,
Because of the Sailor, like the one lying here.
On a cold Christmas Eve at sea, far from home.
The very thought brought a tear to my eye,
I dropped to my knees and started to cry.
"Santa don't cry for this life is my choice.
Defend the seas this day, so others may rejoice."
I couldn't control it, I continued to weep.
I kept watch for hours so silent, so still,
night, this guardian of honor so willing to fight.
Then the Sailor rolled over and with a voice soft and pure,
Whispered, "Carry on Santa, it's Christmas Day, all is secure."
By Major Bruce Lovely
''Twas the night before Christmas, he lived all alone,
in a one bedroom house made of plaster and stone.
I had come down the chimney with presents to give,
and to see just who
in this home did live.
no tinsel, no presents,
not even a tree.
no stocking by mantle, just boots filled with sand,
on the wall hung
pictures of far distant lands.
And a sober thought came through my mind.
For this house was different, it was so dark and dreary,
I had found the home of a Soldier, once I could see clearly.
Curled up on the floor of this one bedroom home.
The face was so gentle, the room in such disorder,
Not how I pictured a United States Soldier.
Curled up on a poncho, the floor for a bed?
I realized the families that I saw this night,
Owed their lives to these Soldiers who were willing to fight.
And grownups would celebrate bright Christmas Day.
They all enjoyed freedom each month of the year,
Because of the Soldier, like the one lying here.
On a cold Christmas Eve in a land far from home.
The very thought brought a tear to my eye,
I dropped to my knees and started to cry.
"Santa don't cry, this life is my choice.
I fight for freedom, I don't ask for more."
My life is my God, my Country, my Corps.
I couldn't control it, I continued to weep.
I kept watch for hours so silent, and still,
And we both shivered from the night's cold chill.
this guardian of honor so willing to fight.
Then the Soldier rolled over and with a voice soft and pure,
Whispered, "Carry on Santa, it's Christmas Day, all is secure."
Merry Christmas my friend, and to all a good night.
T'was the night before Christmas, I just couldn't sleep.
So I hopped out of bed and downstairs I did creep.
I went to the kitchen in search of a bite.
If I filled up my stomach, perhaps I'd sleep tight.
I searched but I couldn't find food anywhere.
I looked out the window: streets covered with snow;
At two in the morning-- just where could I go?
I'll take me online for some Christmas Eve chat.
The modem connected without a delay!
In the blink of an eye, I'd be chatting away.
And I thought now's a bad time for my sound card to fail.
My buddy list opened with not even one name.
Is everyone sleeping? Well, I'll go play a game.
'Strike A Match' wouldn't work--and neither did 'Bingo'!
The chat rooms were empty! I thought: Wow--that's just great?
AOL picked a fine time for another update.
I felt so alone. ouldn't find just one friend.
But wait! What's that sound? Did I just hear a chime?
There's someone else out there. Somebody's on-line!
Your friends are all sleeping; that's where you should be".
"Turn off that 'puter. Take your hand off that mouse.
I have a few things to drop off at your house".
I have schedules to keep. Come on----Give Me A Break!"
If you really are Santa (that jolly, old elf)
There's only one present I'd wish for myself.
You just gather them up and bring them right here.
In just a few hours I awoke with a start.
It was only a dream --I sighed, heavy of heart.
Were all of the people I thought I'd never see.
We laughed and we {{{{{{{{{{hugged}}}}}}}}}}} and we just had a ball.
Hmmmmmm--maybe that wasn't a dream after all.
I've found the real Santa-----he's on A O L!
'Twas the night before Christmas on the Enterprise-D,
On a routine short hop to Starbase 03,
With Data on duty in the command chair,
At Warp 6, the Enterprise soon would be there.
He scanned where historical records were kept --
And with a blink of his eye and a cock of his head,
"Intriguing! Tomorrow is Christmas!" he said.
And so he buzzed Geordi, who awoke with a sigh:
"Christmas? It's only an old holiday --
Now just let me get back to sleep, okay?"
And so Data wished it -- to the whole ship and crew.
Everyone on the Enterprise awoke from this clatter --
Picard rushed to the bridge to see what was the matter.
"Sir, is it not Christmas--?" "We'll discuss it much later!"
Just then Worf said, "Captain -- a Klingon Prey Bird!
Its hull has been damaged -- it's uncloaking, sir."
"On screen," said Picard, as the Klingon ship hailed:
"Federation vessel, our Life Support systems have failed!
(though naturally, of course, we'd fired on it first)."
The Klingons beamed over, and the senior staff met,
To try and determine the source of the threat.
Give all of these Klingons something to do!
They think it's the Romulans we should look for,
Get them all off the bridge, before there's a war!"
Wondered: Romlans? Ferengi? If not them, then who?
Said Worf, "Sir -- disturbance on Holodeck Three!"
The entire bridge crew ran down there to see.
"Sir, I have taught the Klingons how to celebrate Christmas."
And so there they were -- on holodecks 3, 4 and 5
With synthohol, singing and Rokeg Blood Pie!
Friend,foe, and family came from both far and near.
The Romulans showed up with some Romulan Ale,
The Ferengi brought goodies for free -- not for sale!
With one crew member only, and a huge cargo hold.
Said the Klingons, "It's the strange ship that fought us -- attack!"
Said Picard, "On Christmas? -- Mister Worf, just hold back."
Onscreen came its captain -- none other than Q!
He wore a white beard and a suit of deep red...
"Joyeux Noel, mon captain," was what Santa Q said.
You need good defense systems in this line of work.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be warping away...
Did you think anyone else could do this job in one day?"
"Peace in the galaxy, Good Will and Joy."
And they stood on the bridge and watched Q take flight,
shouting,
"MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!"
'Twas the night before Y2K, and all through the nation
We awaited The Bug, The Millennium sensation.
The chips were replaced in computers with care,
In hopes that ol' Bugsy wouldn't stop there.
Others had visions of dread in their heads.
And Ma with her PC, and I with my Mac
Had just logged on the Net and kicked back with a snack.
I called Mister Gates to see what was the matter.
But he was away, so I flew like a flash
Off to my bank to withdraw all my cash.
My good old Mac looked sick to me.
The hack of all hackers was looking so smug,
I knew that it must be the Y2K Bug!
He whistled and shouted, let all systems fall!
Go Intel! Go Gateway! Now HP! Big Blue!
Everything Compaq, and Pentium too!
Crash away! Crash away! Crash away all!
As I drew in my breath and was turning around,
Out through the modem, he came with a bound.
Was a sack full of viruses, set for attack.
His eyes-how they twinkled! His dimples-how merry!
As midnight approached, though things soon became scary.
And I laughed when I saw him though my hard drive stopped spinning.
A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know a new feeling of dread.
He changed all the clocks, then turned with a jerk.
With a twitch of his nose, and a quick little wink,
All things electronic soon went on the blink.
He caused such a disruption, could this be a sign?
Then I heard him exclaim, with a loud, hearty cry,
Happy Y2K to all, kiss your PC's goodbye! 
T'was the night before Christmas, the house was a mess,
and every spare room held an out of town guest.
The stockings were hung, and the cookies were baked,
And oh, my dear Lord, how my lower back ached!
The children were finally all put to bed.
I looked for some aspirin to ease my poor head.
There was no time to rest in my favorite chair,
for I still had the turkey to stuff and prepare.
I still had some wrapping I needed to do,
along with some dishes and ironing too.
I finally crawled into my bed around 3
after placing the last of the gifts 'neath the tree.
I'd only been sleeping an hour or so,
when I heard a loud noise from the room down below.
I couldn't imagine what caused all that clatter,
so I rose from the bed to see what was the matter.
I found, in the kitchen, my 5 year old child.
He looked up and saw me and sheepishly smiled.
The table was covered with ribbon and paper,
gift tags, crayons, tape and the stapler.
I looked at my son and said "What's going on?
Upstairs in bed sleeping is where you belong!"
"You clean this up now, young man!" I said,
"Then march yourself right back up to your bed!"
His lower lip trembled, his eyes looked so sad.
He whispered, "I'm sorry that I made you mad."
"But, Mommy, I didn't know what else to do.
I needed to wrap up my present for you."
He held out the treasure in his tiny hand.
The paper all wrapped with a big rubber band.
"Would you open it now?" my little one said,
"Could you open it before I go back up to bed?"
I sighed and took the gift from his hand,
and quickly unwound the big rubber band.
I tore off the paper and opened the box,
expecting to find a new pair of socks.
My frustration became almost too hard to hide
when I looked in the box and found nothing inside!
"There's nothing here." I said to my child
"Oh yes there is!" He said with a smile.
"I filled up the box with big kisses from me.
You can take one when ever you need one, you see?"
My eyes filled with tears as I held my son close.
He had given the gift that I needed the most.
I tucked him in bed and thanked God up above
for the sweet precious gift of a little boy's love.
'Twas the night before my last craft show, the only one up at my house,
My two kids were in bed and so was my spouse.
Mason jar votives were set on the stovetop with care
In hopes the paint would dry faster if set near warm air.
The grunge candles were snuggled all safe in a box
While I kept one tired eye on the fast-moving clock.
The boxes were loaded, most everything packed,
And I had just settled in for a well-deserved snack,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my chair to see what was the matter.
Away to the doorway I flew like a flash
Rushing by, my glue gun hit the floor with a crash.
The moon on the surface of my dark-as-night lawn
Revealed that my outside decorations weren't done.
Then, what to my tired, bloodshot eyes should appear
But a miniature sleigh and 8 tiny reindeer
With a guy dressed in red that was driving the group,
And my thought as a crafter was, "Wow, REAL reindeer poop!"
And then in a moment I heard on the roof
The cracking of shingles from 32 prancing hoofs.
I closed the front door and was turning around
When from my faux-painted chimney Santa came crashing down.
HIs eyes were glazed over, his posture was wary,
His whole look said this season had been pretty hairy!
His droll little mouth was drawn tight in a line,
And the beard on his chin was frazzled, not fine.
He had a nice face, though, and a little round belly,
That shook when he moved like my best Smelly Jelly.
He was dressed in fake fur, so he was very p.c.,
Then he walked to my craft chair, still looking at me.
He spoke not a word, but sat down there instead
Looked at all my creations, then turned and he said,
"I love the crafters that make special gifts to present
But my helpers are the ones who have begun to resent it.
Their job line is shrinking, they're not as busy you see
And they've started complaining a lot lately to me.
So could you do a small favor, pass the word to the crafters:
I've got overstock hanging from all of my rafters.
Keep making your goodies, be your creative selves,
But leave a FEW ideas for gifts to be made by my elves!"
Then laying his hands on my painted mug group,
He said, "Mind if I take just one Snowman Soup?"
He sprang to his sleigh, to the team gave a shout,
And away they all flew, but in case there's some doubt,
I heard him exclaim 'ere he drove into the night,
"Happy Holidays to all at my favorite 'Homesite'!"
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Copyright 2007. All Rights Reserved. Updated 9/14/2007.
You are Christmas person number 1868 plus 
Quilting Workroom
How to Become a Christian
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