Parodies on 'Twas the Night Before Christmas'
Part Two
I have collected these funny, techno or heart-rending spoofs of the traditional 'Twas the Night Before Christmas' by Clement C. Moore.
I am not aware of who the various authors are, except where noted. If you know, please email me so I can give credit
where credit is due. If you know of other [clean] versions not listed here, I'd appreciate adding them to this collection.
Now, read on!
Teacher's Night Before
Second Coming Night Before
System Support's Night Before
Kitty's Night Before
'Twas the Day After Christmas
Dieter's Night Before
Assembly Required Night Before
Arkansas Night Before
Part One
Part Three
Teacher's Night Before
'Twas the week before Christmas and all through the school
The teacher half frantic and almost in tears,
Away to the door they all flew like a flash;
When the teacher saw this, she almost grew sick.
"Now Tommy! Now Sandy, Now Judy and Harry!
As leaves that before the wild hurricane fly
First came a basket of popcorn to string
The state they were in could lead to a riot;
The lines of her face were as fixed as a mask;
A tear from her eye and a shake of her head
But at last it was finished and placed on the tree;
As she looked at the Christmas tree glistening and tall,
by Joyce Luke
Not a pupil was silent, no matter what rule.
The children were busy with paper and paste;
The mess that they made with it couldn't be faced.
Had just settled down to work with her dears,
When out in the hall there arose such a clatter
up sprang the kids to see what was the matter!
The one who was leading went down with a crash.
Then what to their wondering eyes did appear
But a green Christmas tree! (To decorate I fear!)
She knew in a moment it must be Old Nick!
She ran to the door (all her efforts were vain)
But she shouted, and stamped, and she called them by name;
Stop Billy! Stop Robert! Stop Donny and Sherry!
Now get to your places get away from the hall
Now get away! Get away! Get away all!
The pupils, pell mell, started scurrying by.
They ran to the blackboard and skipped down the aisle;
Their faces were shining and each had a smile.
-Then came the Christmas tree (menacing thing).
As the tree was brought in there arose a great shout;
The pupils were merrily romping about.
The teacher was sure, if allowed, they would try it.
Her nerves how they jangled! Her temples were throbbing!
The rush of her breath sounded almost like sobbing!
It was plain that she didn't feel up to her task.
The look in her eye would have tamed a wild steer,
But the children ignored it; they did every year.
Soon led me to think that she wished she were dead.
She spoke not a word but went straight to her work,
Strung all the popcorn which broke with a jerk.
Then came the bell and the children were free.
Their shrill little voices soon faded away
And peace was restored at the end of the day.
She smiled as she whispered, Merry Christmas to all!
Top
The Second Coming Night Before
'Twas the night before Jesus came and all through the house
The children were dressing to crawl in to bed,
When out of the East there arose such a clatter,
When what to my wondering eyes should appear
The light of His face made me coverr my head
In the Book Of Life which He held in His hand
The people whose names had been written with love
I fell to my knees, but it was too late;
In the words of this poem the meaning is clear;
Top
System Support's Night Before
Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house
The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
And what to my wondering eyes should appear
'On update! On add! On inquiry! On delete!
A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head
and laying his finger on the 'ENTER' key,
He tested each whistle, and tested each bell
And the client exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt,
Top
Kitty's Night Before
'Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house
'Cuz the cat had pounced on him
and tore him apart -
Kitty thought he heard sleighbells,
which made him take pause -
"Must be Santa," thought Kitty
(that quite clever cat)
Indeed it was ol' Santa
so jolly and fat
"Wow, the best Christmas ever!"
Kitty thought with a purr,
Top
'Twas The Day After Christmas'
'Twas the day after Christmas and all through the house
With Mom in her robe and I in my jeans,
The new-fallen snow, now blackened with soot,
The door flew open and in they came,
Right to my limits, then beyond my net worth,
They stared at me with a look I couldn't miss,
"As you can see," I said with a smile,
The scent of burnt ash came to my nose,
"You may think that's the answer to all of your fears,
Top
Dieter's Night Before
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
Top
Assembly Required Night Before
The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat....
When what to my worrying eyes should appear,
More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
The coffee went cold and the night it wore thin
But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
"We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
There's something to say for those self-deluded
Arkansas Night Before
A cold wind was blowin', up the holler it moaned,
The girls in their feminine dreams were attuned,
Then out in the yard, such a noise did commence,
You may think of Santa in your own mind's eye,
On Christmas, of course, a sleigh for his rig,
Fat legs in his britches, chubby hands in his mittens,
His neck was a red one, his shirt said "Lite Beer",
He ran into the yard, threw his bag in the sleigh,
Then I heard him exclaim, as those pigs took to flight,
Top | Part One |
Part Three |
Back to Christmas
Copyright 2007. All Rights Reserved. Updated 9/14/2007.
You are Christmas funny person number 1844 plus
Author Unknown
Not a creature was praying, not one in the house.
Their Bibles were lain on the shelf without care
In hopes that Jesus would not come there
Not once ever kneeling or bowing a head.
And Mom in her rocker with baby on her lap
Was watching the Late Show while I took a nap.
I sprang to my feet to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash!
But angels proclaiming that Jesus was here.
With a light like the sun sending forth a bright ray
I knew in a moment this must be The Day!
It was Jesus! returning just like He had said.
And though I possessed wordly wisdom and wealth
I cried when I saw Him in spite of myself.
Was written the name of every saved man.
He spoke not a word as He searched for my name;
When He said "It's not here" my head hung in shame.
He gathered to take to His Father above.
With those who were ready, He rose without a sound
While all the rest were left standing around.
I had waited too long and this sealed my fate.
I stood and I cried as they rose out of sight;
Oh, if only I had been ready tonight.
The coming of Jesus is drawing near.
There's only one life and when comes the last call
We'll find that the Bible was true after all!
Author Unknown
not a program was working, not even a browse.
The programmers were wrung out, too mindless to care,
knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer.
while visions of inquiries danced in their heads.
When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my cube to see what was the matter!
but a super programmer, oblivious to fear.
More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
and he whistled and shouted and called them by name.
On batch jobs! On closing! On functions complete!'
His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean
from weekends and nights in front of the screen.
soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
turning specs into code, then turned with a jerk,
the system came up and worked perfectly!
The updates updated, the deletes they deleted,
the inquiries inquired, and the closing completed.
with nary an abend, and all had gone well.
The system was finished, the tests were concluded.
The client's last changes were even included!!
'It's just what I asked for, but it's not what I want!'
Author Unknown
Not a creature was stirring,
not even a mouse.
Ate his mousey intestines and chewed up his heart.
He stopped daintilly licking
the blood from his claws.
'Cuz nobody else climbs down
the chimney like that.
With a huge load of presents
and all for the cat!
Then he coughed up a hairball
and shed some more fur.
by David Frank
Children sat slack-jawed, bored on the couch.
Wrappings and toys littered the floor,
An incredible mess that I did abhor.
We waded in to get the place clean.
When suddenly the doorbell: it started to clatter,
I sprang to the Security-View to check out the matter.
Was trampled and icy and treacherous to foot.
But suddenly in view, did I gasp and pant:
An unhappy bill collector and eight tiny accountants.
Stern-looking men with bills in my name.
On Discover, on Visa, on American Express,
On Mastercard too, I sadly confess,
Over the top I had charged, in a frenzy of mirth.
The black-suited men, so somber, so strict,
I wondered why me that they had first picked.
That said "Buddy, when are you for paying for this?"
I shrugged my shoulders, but then I grew bolder,
Went to the cabinet and pulled out a folder.
"It's bankruptcy that I'll have to file!"
And with a swoop of my arm, my middle digit extended
I threw the bills in the fire: the matter had ended.
As up the chimney my credit-worthiness rose.
Without another word they turned and walked out,
Got into their limos, but one gave a shout:
But it's nothing you'll charge for at least seven years! 
Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
"Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.
Instructions were studied and we were inspired,
In hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."
While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!
And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!
Let no pieces be missing or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
If we can't get it right, it goes down in the basement!
But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
So if there were failure, only we could be blamed.
All over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."
And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
With "assembly required" till morning's first light.
We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
Till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.
Before we attached the last rod and last pin.
Then laying the tools away in the chest,
We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.
Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
And not have to run to the store for a thing!
For the perfect, most perfectest Christmas, I bet!"
Then off to dreamland, at last sweet repose
I gratefully went, although I suppose
I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the shack,
not a darn thing was a movin', from the front to the back.
The kids were in bed, we had nine at the time,
The wife in her curlers, was lookin' real fine.
All ten dogs on the porch howled and groaned.
The boys was all dreamin' of weapons and guns,
For killin' God's creatures, ....there's no better fun!
To getting those gallons of Wal-Mart perfume.
The wife wanted jewelry, like rings with big rocks,
I just wanted my Chevy down off the blocks.
Like something was caught in our new bob-war fence.
I ran to the window, and saw pretty quick,
The man makin' that racket, was Good Ol' St. Nick.
Dressed in a red and white suit, but I've got a surprise.
That old boy's an Arkie, from up near Mt. Gaylor;
He married his cousin, and they live in a trailer.
He hooks the thing up to a Razorback pig!
He climbed on the roof, with his bag full of goodies,
He backed down the fireplace, all dirty and sooty.
I must admit from the back, he looked lots like Bill C______.
He turned toward the tree, his eyes all aglow,
He was an Arkansas boy from his head to his toe.
He had no red hat on, but his cap read "John Deere".
He left all the presents, with an air of delight,
Then it was back to the chimney, and into the night.
Then he yelled at the dogs, "Get the hell out th' way!"
I ran out to ask him why he brought such good cheer;
But instead he just asked me "You get you a deer?"
"Merry Christmas to all...I need a Bud Lite!"
Quilting Workroom
How to Become a Christian
Stuff I Wanna Do in Heaven
Christmas
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