Part One I have collected these funny, techno or heart-rending spoofs of the traditional 'Twas the Night Before Christmas' by Clement C. Moore. I am not aware of who the various authors are, except where noted. If you know, please email me so I can give credit where credit is due. If you know of other [clean] versions not listed here, I'd appreciate adding them to this collection. Now, read on!
Original 'Twas the Night Before Christmas'
Lawyer's Night Before
College Student's Night Before
Intellectual's Night Before
Politically Correct Night Before
Computer's Night Before
Quilter's Night Before
Redneck's Night Before
Sysop's Night Before
Part 2
Part 3
The Original 'Twas the Night Before Christmas'
by Clement C. Moore
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;
And mama in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the windowI flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:
"Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! on Cupid! on, Donder and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.
His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night."
Top
Lawyer's Night Before (Legally Speaking)
Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a
A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed
The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House,
Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to
Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the
At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree
Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance
The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer
Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or
He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant
Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and
However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said
College Student's Night Before
Twas the night before finals, and all through the college,
Out in the taverns, a few were still drinking,
My roommate was speechless, his nose in his books,
I stared at my notes, but my thoughts were so muddy,
I'd nearly concluded that life was too cruel,
Her spirit was careless, her manner was mellow,
"On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes! on Last Year's Exams!
"Your teachers have pegged you, so just do your best.
Intellectual's Night Before
'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual yuletide
celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the
possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic
rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously
suspended from the forward edge of the wood-burning caloric
apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an
imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose
folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.
The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their
respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing
subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections
moving rhythmically through their cerebra. My conjugal partner
and I, attired in our nocturnal cranial coverings, were about to
take slumbrous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the
avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a
cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with
alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining
the precise source thereof.
Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers
sealing the fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar
brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent
crystalline aqueous precipitation, might be said to rival that of
the solar meridian itself -- thus permitting my incredulous optical
sensor to peruse a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn
by an octet of diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted
by a miniscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it
became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our
anticipated caller. With his undulate motive power traveling at
what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than
patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath
musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the
octet by his or her respective cognomen ... "Now Dasher, now
Dancer..." et al. -- guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of
our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the
concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.
As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was
performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved
-- with utmost celerity and via a downward leap -- entry by way
of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled
by the ebon residue from the oxidations of carboniferous fuels
which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a
street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted
playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth
receptacle.
His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his
submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging
amiability. The capillaries of his molar regions and nasal
aptenance were engorged with blood which suffused the
subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of
Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or
sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled
nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsuite
facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar
crystals of frozen water.
Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smokingpiece whose
gray fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were
suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage
was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful,
his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of
impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container.
Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the
aforementioned hosiery with articles of merchandise extracted
from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth
receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt
about-face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to
his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of
leave-taking, and forthwith affected his egress by renegotiating
(in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a
short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of
air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered
quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement
hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a
common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible
immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of
visibility: "Ecstatic yuletides to the planetary constituence, and
to that self-same assemblage my sincerest wishes for a
salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period
between sunset and dawn."
Top
Politically Correct Night Before
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
And labor conditions at the north pole
And equal employment had made it quite clear
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Top
Computer's Night Before
T'was the night before Christmas, and all through the shop,
The system was ready, the program was coded,
When out in the hall there arose such a clatter,
He stood in the hallway and looked all about,
Then, in the computer room what should appear,
The computer was startled, confused by the name,
With all these odd names, it was puzzled anew;
Unable to do its electronic job,
Your smile - all these things, I've been programmed to know,
You've a jolly old face and a little round belly,
Old Santa just chuckled a merry "ho, ho",
"Kids everywhere know me; I come every year;
Then he faced the machine and said with a shrug,
Top
Quilter's Night Before
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
"Then I can hang them and head to off to finish
When from out in the kitchen there arose such a crashing,
When what to her wondering eyes should appear,
"Now Elna, now Pfaff, now Bernina and Viking,
"My Dear," said The Claus (as she liked to be called),
Sit down. Have some tea. It's relaxing, you'll see.
But the flash of the needles and twist of the thread
The stitches, how tiny! The corners, how straight!
Now old Mrs. Claus, she knew quilters real well,
I told dear old Santa about what quilters do.
They tidied their thread snips, and picked up the scraps
As they scurried away with their thimbles still gleaming
Top
A Redneck Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the trailer
His socks, they were hung by the chimney with care,
There was Rufus, 12; Jim Bob was 11;
They jumped in their overalls, no need for a shirt,
Bubba said to the young'uns, "Now hesh up ya'll!
They all looked around, and then they all spit.
It was Santy Claus up on the roof, darn tootin'
Bubba hollered out, "Don't shoot, boys!"
"Down, Spot! Shut up Bullet! Quiet, Pete and Roscoe!
The dogs kept a-barkin' and wouldn't shut up,
From up on the roof Santa heaved a great sigh.
Just as the reindeer got into the air,
"Go check on yer Maw, make sure she's all right.
And as for Bubba, he liked Old St. Nick,
The Sysop's Night Before
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Our pirates were nestled all snug in their beds
When up on the hard drive there arose such a clatter,
The sight on the screen, all a'flicker with snow,
With a little print driver so lively and quick,
"Now Format, now Rename, now Copy, and Enter!
As utilities that build up the CPU speed
And then, in a twinkling I heard on the speaker,
I hit the control, the alt, and delete.
Its lights how they twinkled; its pixels how merry,
It scrolled its directory before my eyes
Norton's tried to read it, finally finding the FAT;
The spreadsheets were spreading; the footers were headings;
The 600 meg wonder had crashed in the night;
Copyright 2007. All Rights Reserved. Updated 9/14/2007.
You are Christmas funny person number 5520 plus
Author Unknown
certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a
general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not
limited to a mouse.
by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that
St.Nick a/k/a St. Nicholas a/k/a Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive
at some time thereafter.
were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal
hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats,
including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did
dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.
as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the parts
of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired
for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in
various forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)
unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e. the
lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance.
The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the
House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.
of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter the
"Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately
eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously
referenced Claus.
to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal
co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid,
Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter the "Deer"). (Upon information and belief,
it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)
intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences
located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the
Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown
origin or nature.
implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House
via the chimney. Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was
partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large
sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other
unknown items.
violation of local ordinances and health regulations. Claus did not
speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children,
which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts.
(Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant
to the applicable provisions of the U.S Tax Code.)
flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where
the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus
immediately departed for an unknown destination.
House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim:
"Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words to that
effect.
Author Unknown
The students were praying for last minute knowledge.
Most were quite sleepy, but none touched their beds,
While visions of essays danced in their heads.
And hoping that liquor would loosen their thinking.
In my own apartment, I had been pacing,
And dreading exams I soon would be facing.
And my comments to him drew unfriendly looks.
I drained all the coffee, And brewed a new pot,
No longer caring hat my nerves were so shot.
My eyes went ablur, I just couldn't study.
"Some pizza might help,"I said with a shiver,
But each place I called refused to deliver.
With futures depending on grades had in school.
When all of a sudden, our door opened wide,
And Patron Saint Put It Off ambled inside.
With her eyes open wideshe started to bellow:
"What kind of student would make such a fuss,
To toss back at teachers what they tossed at us?"
On Wingit and Slingit, and Last Minute Crams!"
Her message delivered, she vanished from sight,
But we heard her laughing outside in the night.
Happy Finals to All, and to All, a good test." 
Author Unknown
by Harvey Ehrlich, 1992
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves,"
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard the sled noises on their roof-tops.
His fur-trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's war-like or non-pacific.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, its price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth." 
Author Unknown
The computers were whirring; they never do stop.
The power was on and the temperature right,
In hopes that the input would feed back that night.
And memory drums had been carefully loaded;
While adding a Christmasy glow to the scene,
The lights on the console, flashed red, white and green.
The programmer ran to see what was the matter.
Away to the hallway he flew like a flash,
Forgetting his key in his curious dash.
When the door slammed behind him, and he was locked out.
But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer;
And a little old man, who with scarcely a pause,
Chuckled: "My name is Santa...the last name is Claus."
Then it buzzed as it heard the old fellow exclaim:
"This is Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen,
And Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen."
It hummed and it clanked, and a main circuit blew.
It searched in its memory core, trying to "think";
Then the multi-line printer went out on the blink.
It said in a voice that was almost a sob:
"Your eyes - how they twinkle - your dimples so merry,
Your cheeks so like roses, your nose like a cherry,
And at data-recall, I am more than so-so;
But your name and your address (computers can't lie),
Are things that I just cannot identify.
That shakes when you laugh like a bowlful of jelly;
My scanners can see you, but still I insist,
Since you're not in my program, you cannot exist!"
And sat down to type out a quick word or so.
The keyboard clack-clattered, its sound sharp and clean,
As Santa fed this "data" to the machine:
The presents I bring add to everyone's cheer;
But you won't get anything - that's plain to see;
Too bad your programmers forgot about me."
"Merry Christmas to All," as he pulled out its plug! 
by Brenda Groelz, Kathy Rockbugs, Marilyn Root, Cindy Swafford
The only one sleeping was Quilter's dear spouse.
The Log Cabin stockings were almost completed,
"Just a few stitches left," our sweet quilter repeated,
the pillows I'm making, fulfilling Mom's wish
For something 'quilty' to put on her couch",
as she pricked her poor finger, our quilter yelled, "Ouch!"
she sprang from her work, and she dropped all her sashing.
Away to the doorway she flew like a plane,
wondering just what was happening and who she could blame.
but Old Mrs Claus and her bag of quilt-gear....
With her elves bearing gifts, through the kitchen she came,
she directed and pointed and called them by name.
the Hoffman and Mumm should be just to her liking.
To the sewing room - there, it's just back of the hall,
now dash away, dash away, dash away all!"
"There really is no need to worry at all.
Your projects will all be completed this night,
I'm terribly sorry we gave you a fright.
My friends and I've come a long way to help Thee."
She thought she was dreaming, our Dear Quilter did,
In fact she quite feared that she'd near flipped her lid!
soon gave her to know she had nothing to dread.
They spoke no more words, but went straight to their sewing.
How the work went so quickly she had no way of knowing.
This Claus-woman's talent was awfully great.
They finished the pillows, then started a quilt.
Before they all knew it, the whole thing was built!..
and she knew they'd need help on this night most of all
So she said to our quilter, "Just move over, dear,
I've brought my own needle. We'll get done, never fear.
How they plan all these projects but have other work too.
So he taught me his magic for doing things fast.
There, that pillow's done. Now this is the last."
and chased our dear quilters six cats from their laps.
They left behind gingerbread (just to be nice)
and the whole house smelled sweetly of Christmas and spice.
dear Mrs. Claus paused, her cap ribbons streaming.
"Merry Christmas, my dear, now just have a ball!
Relax and enjoy. Happy Quilting to all!" 
Author Unknown
Not a creature was stirrin' 'cept a redneck named Taylor.
His first name was Bubba, Joe was his middle,
And a-runnin' down his chinWas a trickle of spittle.
And therefore there was a foul stench in the air.
From out in the yard there came such a noise
That Bubba got scared and rousted the boys.
Dud goin' on 10; Otis was 7.
John, George and Chucky were 5,4, and 3:
The twins were both girls so they just let them be.
Threw a hat on each head, then turned with a jerk.
They ran to the gun rack that hung on the wall.
There were 17 shotguns; they grabbed them all.
The last thing we wanna do is wake up yer Maw."
Maw was expecting and needed her sleep,
So out they crept out the door without making a peep.
The young'uns asked Bubba, "Paw, what is it?"
Bubba just stared; he could not say a word.
This was just like all of the stories he'd heard.
But the boys didn't know; they was about to start shootin'!
They aimed their shotguns and nearly made a mistake
That would have resulted in venison steak.
That's Santy Claus and he's brought us some toys.
The dogs were a-barkin' and a-raisin' cain,
And Bubba whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
Git, Turnip and Tater and Sam and old Joe!"
"Git down from that porch! Git down off that wall!
Quit shakin the trailer, or you'll make Santy fall!"
And they trampled poor Pete who was only a pup.
Santy opened his bag, and threw out some toys.
Bubba got most, but left a few for the boys.
Since the guns had been dropped he just might not die.
He jumped in his sleigh, told his reindeer to hurry.
The trailer started to wobble Santa started to worry.
The trailer collapsed, but Bubba didn't care.
He was busy lookin' at all his new toys.
Then a thought hit him, and he said to the boys:
That roof fallin' on her could-a hurt just a might."
But Maw was OK, and the girls were too.
They fixed up the trailer; it looked good as new.
But Santa thought Bubba was a pure-in-tee hick!
Bubba had a nice Christmas, and the boys did, too.
And the Taylors wish a Merry Christmas to you!
Author Unknown
Not a peripheral was stirring, not even a mouse.
The modem was plugged to the phone line with care
In hopes that a download soon would be there.
While visions of unprotects danced in their heads.
And Mama in her kerchief, and I in my cap
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap.
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the monitor I flew like a flash,
Sat down at the keyboard, gave the spacebar a mash.
Gave the luster of power surge to the menu below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But an autoexec.bat that seemed rather queer.
I knew in a moment I had seen a new trick.
More rapid than eagles the cursors they came;
My MIDI whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!
On Num Lock, on Caps Lock, on Scroll Lock, and Printer!
"To the top of the page, to the top of the doc,
Now tab it and bold it and merge it and block!"
Clash with just the programs I need,
So up to the screen top the cursors they flew,
With a RAM full of memory and an expansion board too.
The grinding of the hard drive growing much weaker.
As I tried to reboot and turn it around,
The attributes changed from blue into brown.
The screen message it gave me, I cannot repeat.
It asked me to Ignore, Retry, or Abort.
It told me the parallel had become the comm port.
Its prompts were all scrambled, like a bowl full of cherries.
It sounded just like it wanted to blow;
The screen was suddenly white as the snow.
With programs I didn't even recognize.
It wouldn't see D:, it wouldn't see E:;
I couldn't get out of B: into C:.
But alas! The disk was faulty, and couldn't reformat.
Away flew the DBase; away flew the DOS-es;
Away flew the WordStar; right out with the Windows.
What once had been memory was close to forgetting.
When the grinding was over and the smoke had all cleared,
I looked at the hard drive; it was just as I feared.
I'll never be able to block out that sight!
So tell everyone you know to avoid my plight;
Back up your files! Merry Christmas! Good Night!
Top | Back
Quilting Workroom
How to Become a Christian
Stuff I Wanna Do in Heaven
Christmas
E-Mail
