Christmas Funnies
"We're too late! It's already been here."
"Mulder, I hope you know what you're doing."
"Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into a shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care."
"You really think someone's been here?"
"Someone, or something."
"Mulder, over here--it's a fruitcake."
"Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal."
"It's O.K. There's a note attached: 'Gonna find out who's naughty and nice.'"
"It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list."
"Who? What are you talking about?"
"Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once a year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite."
"But that's legend, Mulder--a story told by parents to frighten children. Surely you don't believe it?"
"Something was here tonight, Scully. Check out the bite marks on this gingerbread man. Whatever tore through this plate of cookies was alive--and in a hurry."
"It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder, this milk glass has been completely drained."
"It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse."
"But why would they leave it milk and cookies?"
"Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wilding."
"But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and windows were locked. There's no sign of forced entry."
"Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace."
"Wait a minute, Mulder. If you're saying some huge creature landed on the roof and came down this chimney, you're crazy. The flue is barely six inches wide. Nothing could get down there."
"But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions at once?"
"You mean, like a bowl full of jelly?"
"Exactly. Scully, I've never told anyone this, but when I was a child my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long white shanks of fur surrounding its ruddy, misshapen head. Its bloated torso was red and white. I'll never forget the horror. I turned away, and when I looked back it had somehow taken on the facial features of my father."
"Impossible."
"I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind. It brought me a Mr. Potato Head, Scully. It knew that I wanted a Mr. Potato Head!"
"I'm sorry, Mulder, but you're asking me to disregard the laws of physics. You want me to believe in some supernatural being who soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little girls and boys. Listen to what you're saying. Do you understand the repercussions? If this gets out, they'll close the X-files."
"Scully, listen to me: It knows when you're sleeping. It knows when you're awake."
"But we have no proof."
"Last year, on this exact date, SETI radio telescopes detected bogeys in the airspace over twenty-seven states. The White House ordered a condition Red."
"But that was a meteor shower."
"Officially. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer vanished from the National Zoo, in Washington, D.C. Nobody--not even the zookeeper--was told about it. The government doesn't want people to know about Project Kringle. They fear that if this thing is proved to exist the public will stop spending half its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy. Retail markets will collapse. Scully, they cannot let the world believe this creature lives. There's too much at stake. They'll do whatever it takes to insure another silent night."
"Mulder, I--"
"Sh-h-h. Do you hear what I hear?"
"On the roof. It sounds like ... a clatter."
"The truth is up there. Let's see what's the matter."
1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;
2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;
3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;
4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;
5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;
6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;
7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;
8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;
9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;
10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;
11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line;
Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending. Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
Hows Santa Knows IF you've Been Good
(Sung to the tune of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town")
(Supposedly written for and sung at a U.S. Department of Justice,
Office of Legal Counsel, Christmas party during the Carter Administration.)
--Eugene Volokh, UCLA Law
He's buggin your room, he's reading your mail,
He's keeping a file and running a tail
Santa Claus is tapping your phone.
He hears you in the bedroom, surveills you out of doors
And if that doesn't get the goods then he'll use provocateurs.
So you mustn't assume that you are secure
On Christmas Eve he'll kick in your door
Santa Claus is tapping your phone.
I regret to inform you that effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family in from the South pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith & Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave a RC Cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and LaBonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliot and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves reply, "I heer'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words, "Back Off!" The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) peeing on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you will see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of State Patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town". This year, songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. These song titles will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's, "All I want for Christmas is my Woman and a Six-pack", and Hank Williams Jr's "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Shove It."
Also effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the west coast and Hawaii on Christmas Eve. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be another cousin, Surfer Claus. His side of the family is from California. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Surfer Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by the Menendez Brothers."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Surfer Claus prefers that children leave a soy protein drink and alfalfa sprouts on the fireplace. And Surfer doesn't smoke anything, so there's no danger of any second hand smoke.
3. Surfer Claus' sleigh is powered by a solar powered battery instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and he released them back into the wild.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Surfer Claus arrives.
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yo, dude!"
6. Surfer Claus' sleigh does have an Oakland Raiders "Commitment to Excellence" bumper sticker.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "The Beach Boys Save Christmas" and "Muscle Beach Christmas" featuring Keanu Reeves as Surfer Claus and dozens of scantily clad women.
8. Surfer Claus doesn't wear a red coat; he wears a red wet suit. Make sure there are no teenage girls around when he visits.
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus(Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)
December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing
Christmas message for answering machine.
December 3
Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature
pine cones, fashion cat-o'-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.
December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to
Pulitzer committee for consideration.
December 7
Debug Windows '98.
December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
December 11
Lay Faberge egg.
December 12
Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 13
Collect Dentures. They make excellent
pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade
"Holiday Scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.
December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas
dinner guest will be same height when sitting
at his or her assigned seat.
December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in
confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider,
orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
December 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.
December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas.
December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores.
Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping,
thus making many people feel less
inadequate than they really are.
December 25
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated
manger scented with homemade potpourri.
December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
December 31
New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions.
Call a friend in each time zone of the world as
the clock strikes midnight in that country.
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Stockings Author Unknown
T'was the night before Christmas and all through the house,
|
12 Hawaiian days of Christmas
Sung to the tune of "The 12 Days of Christmas"
On the ____ day of Christmas my Tutu (Grandmother) gave to me:
Santa Claus
Author Unknown
I heard a reindeer hoof, then Santa dressed in red,
CHORUS
He got up off the floor and said, "How do you do?"
(CHORUS)
I heard a "ho, ho, ho," the sleigh was in the sky.
Reindeer Poop
Author Unknown
I woke up with such a scare when I heard Santa call...
Author Unknown
1) A mayna bird in one papaya tree
2) Two coconuts
3) Three Dried squid
4) Four Flower Leis
5) Five Big fat pigs!
6) six hula lessons
7) seven shrimps a swimming
8) Eight ukuleles
9) Nine Pounds of poi
10) ten cans of soda
11) eleven televisions
12) Twelve missionaries
(Sung to the tune of "Jingle Bells")
came crashing thro' the roof and landed on my bed.
I thought it was a dream, but quickly did I wake,
as soon as I heard Santa scream, "I want a piece of cake!"
Oh, Santa Claus, Santa Claus, you are much too fat;
I was sleeping peacefully but now my bed is flat. Oh!
Santa Claus, Santa Claus, how much do you weigh?
I'm glad I'm not a reindeer that has to pull your sleigh!
I said, "My back is sore, my head is black and blue."
"So sorry!" he replied, and then he asked my name.
He offered me a ride, I said, "No, thank you just the same!"
but it was moving slow and wasn't very high.
It wobbled in the air, I hoped it wouldn't fall;
Said Santa, chewing cookies, "Merry Christmas, one and all!"
(Poem to include with a gag gift of reindeer 'poop' made of unwrapped miniature Tootsie Rolls,
chocolate covered peanuts, malted milk balls, Cocoa Puffs, etc put into a little Baggie.)
"Now dash away, dash away, dash away all!
I ran to the lawn and in the snowy white drifts,
those nasty reindeer had left "little gifts".
I got an old shovel and started to scoop
neat little piles of "reindeer poop".
But to throw them away, seemed such a waste,
So I saved them, thinking ~ you might like a taste!
As I finished my task, which took quite awhile,
Old Santa passed by and he sheepishly smiled.
And I heard him exclaim as he rose in the sky ~
"Well, they're not potty trained, but at least they can fly!"
Christmas is coming and so are the deer;
Listen closely and you will hear!
And 'long with them comes a special treat,
Reindeer droppings for you to eat!
Top
Snowman Poop
Authors Unknown
Santa's makin' his list and checkin' it twice
(Same gag gift idea as above, but use miniature marshmallows.)
He knows that you've been naughty, not nice.
Since coal is so expensive here's the scoop:
Santa has left you some Snowman Poop!
Santa came and went last night
Traveling on his worldwide loop.
Because you weren't so good this year
You get no coal, just snowman poop.
The Boy Who Laughed at Santa Claus
by Ogden Nash
He stole the milk of hungry kittens, and walked through doors marked No Admittance.
Yet people pardoned every sin and viewed his antics with a grin
Like whooping cough, from child to child, he sped to spread the rumor wild:
No beard, no pipe, no scarlet clothes, no twinkling eyes, no cherry nose,
He sprawled on his untidy bed, fresh malice dancing in his head,
Jabez beheld, oh, awe of awes, the fireplace full of Santa Claus!
Although there*is* a Santa Claus, there isn't any Jabez Dawes!"
An ugly toy in Santa's sack, mounting the flue on Santa's back.
All you who sneer at Santa Claus, beware the fate of Jabez Dawes,
In Baltimore there lived a boy. He wasn't anybody's joy.
Although his name was Jabez Dawes, his character was full of flaws.
In school he never led the classes, he hid old ladies' reading glasses.
His mouth was open while he chewed, and elbows to the table glued.
He said he acted thus because there wasn't any Santa Claus.
Another trick that tickled Jabez was crying "Boo!" at little babies.
He brushed his teeth, they said in town, sideways instead of up and down.
Till they were told by Jabez Dawes, "There isn't any Santa Claus!"
Deploring how he did behave, his parents quickly sought their grave.
They hurried through the portals pearly, and Jabez left the funeral early.
"Sure as my name is Jabez Dawes, there isn't any Santa Claus!"
Slunk like a weasel or a marten through nursery and kindergarten,
Whispering low to every tot, "There isn't any, no, there's not!
No sleigh, and furthermore, by Jiminy, nobody's coming down the chimney!"
The children wept all Christmas Eve and Jabez chortled up his sleeve.
No infant dared hang up his stocking for fear of Jabez' ribald mocking.
When presently with scalp a-tingling, Jabez heard a distant jingling;
He heard the crunch of sleigh and hoof crisply alighting on the roof.
What good to rise and bar the door? A shower of soot was on the floor.
Then Jabez fell upon his knees with cries of "Don't," and "Pretty please."
He howled, "I don't know where you read it. I swear some other fellow said it!"
"Jabez," replied the angry saint, "It isn't I, it's you that ain't.
Said Jabez then with impudent vim, "Oh, yes there is; and I am him!
Your language don't scare me, it doesn't--" and suddenly he found he wasn't!
From grinning feet to unkempt locks Jabez became a jack-in-the-box,
The neighbors heard his mournful squeal; they searched for him, but not with zeal.
No trace was found of Jabez Dawes, which led to thunderous applause,
And people drank a loving cup and went and hung their stockings up.
The saucy boy who told the saint off; the child who got him, licked his paint off.
Merry Christmas to you and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering that I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I've sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.
Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me -- we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come. I bet she's never even watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she?
Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but don't you worry about me. I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain. Now don't you even think about sending any more money because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year. Give my love to my darling grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is -- the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.
Merry Christmas.
Love, Mom
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Copyright 2009. All Rights Reserved. Updated 4/20/2009.
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